The Countdown Has Started and Major Tom is No Where To Be Found
My soon to be ex-husband, God that sounds so foreign yet familiar because it's the one thing I feared when I was in my 20s, called me today to let me know he's finally printed off the pages that is going to end our 21 year marriage. I had a job interview today but all I could think about were the words he said over the phone. I've felt like I got this great big brick lodged between my chest and my throat. It's choking me to death and the threads I was hanging on to are getting fewer and fewer. I want to know why and I want to know how everyone else can work through much worse problems than we have/had and make it through? I know you can't make someone feel something they don't feel. I can't make him love me anymore than I can stop myself from loving him, but why is it so easy for him? Why? Didn't he want a family? Didn't he want us to work? Didn't he see everything that I did and how it affected me over 21 years? Why didn't he?
Even now I'm still on this nightmare coaster. I don't know for sure if there is another woman in his life. Two people from where he works has said so and I know that he purchased one woman a necklace. I never knew his hatred for me ran so deep. And as I look at all these feelings that I am having, one thing remains the same....my marriage is over. I'm still hopeful that maybe fate will turn our way again and maybe he'll come back but that's a dream. I dream it all the time since he's been gone. How am I going to learn to live without him? No, I am not dependent on him but my heart loves him. I didn't want to divorce. If I thought that was even in his scope, I wouldn't have married him. I wanted forever with him; our family. I wanted to grow old with him and sit on the porch and say,"The years weren't easy but we made it didn't we?" Why didn't he want that with me? Just over a paycheck? Just because we had arguments? What couple doesn't have arguments? Especially if they are middle class.
A lot of my friends have said that I'll get stronger and this won't hurt forever. Then I have friends who have gone through way worse things but they made it through and they say to not give up, to keep the hope burning. So which is it? Give up or keep hoping? If you have been reading this blog you know what my sins are. I've laid them out. I know not helping him provide for our family was wrong regardless of my situation with the children. I should have gone to work even if every paycheck went to childcare. I should have not paused my education even though I lost my pell grant and my grandma needed me, I should have gotten a loan and finished. But even if I had done all that, would he had still left? Would he had still fallen out of love with me? Does anyone have any expert advice on how to rekindle love once it's been lost? I'll take any tips I can get. I saw a meme the other day and I shared it on Instagram. It said, "We were meant to be together, but we did it wrong." Is that what happened? Did we really get it wrong? Did I get it wrong?
So in a matter of days, perhaps a month, I'll no longer be the proud wife anymore. I'll just be someone he was married to that gave him two beautifully wonderful children. I'll be remembered as a severely flawed individual who took half his life instead of the woman who loved, honored, and cherished him. I won't be the woman who he wakes up to anymore or the one he comes home to. I won't be the one he touches or makes love to anymore. I won't be the one he laughs with at 3-4 a.m. or binge watches television with. I won't be the one holding his hand or holding on to his arm as he walks down a street or somewhere. I won't be the one buying him little tokens of affection anymore or spending holidays with him. I won't be the woman he stood in front of our families and pledged his vows to anymore. God, how I wish this had never happened. I wish so many things. I wanted both of us to be happy. I thought we were getting there. I just didn't have a clue how really far we were from that goal.
I am not seeking pity or someone to pay attention to me. I'm just sharing my experience. Maybe someone won't make the same mistakes I did. If they have, maybe they won't feel as alone as I do.
Once upon a time, we were a family. We were far from perfect and far from being without our problems, but we were a family. We had good times that were filled with laughter and love, and we had bad times when our tempers clashed and communication failed. We were a family regardless until he left. Now we're just pieces on life's chessboard getting ready to go back into the box to be shelved and never played with again. Why couldn't it have worked? Why couldn't we have tried harder? Why...why.....why. I'll always love him. I'm still in love with him, even now even through all the hard and cruel things we've said to each other since all this started. I think about what could have been-maybe it would have still ended this way or maybe just maybe it could have worked and been better. I'll never know so one day I hope to stop thinking so much.
Even now I'm still on this nightmare coaster. I don't know for sure if there is another woman in his life. Two people from where he works has said so and I know that he purchased one woman a necklace. I never knew his hatred for me ran so deep. And as I look at all these feelings that I am having, one thing remains the same....my marriage is over. I'm still hopeful that maybe fate will turn our way again and maybe he'll come back but that's a dream. I dream it all the time since he's been gone. How am I going to learn to live without him? No, I am not dependent on him but my heart loves him. I didn't want to divorce. If I thought that was even in his scope, I wouldn't have married him. I wanted forever with him; our family. I wanted to grow old with him and sit on the porch and say,"The years weren't easy but we made it didn't we?" Why didn't he want that with me? Just over a paycheck? Just because we had arguments? What couple doesn't have arguments? Especially if they are middle class.
A lot of my friends have said that I'll get stronger and this won't hurt forever. Then I have friends who have gone through way worse things but they made it through and they say to not give up, to keep the hope burning. So which is it? Give up or keep hoping? If you have been reading this blog you know what my sins are. I've laid them out. I know not helping him provide for our family was wrong regardless of my situation with the children. I should have gone to work even if every paycheck went to childcare. I should have not paused my education even though I lost my pell grant and my grandma needed me, I should have gotten a loan and finished. But even if I had done all that, would he had still left? Would he had still fallen out of love with me? Does anyone have any expert advice on how to rekindle love once it's been lost? I'll take any tips I can get. I saw a meme the other day and I shared it on Instagram. It said, "We were meant to be together, but we did it wrong." Is that what happened? Did we really get it wrong? Did I get it wrong?
So in a matter of days, perhaps a month, I'll no longer be the proud wife anymore. I'll just be someone he was married to that gave him two beautifully wonderful children. I'll be remembered as a severely flawed individual who took half his life instead of the woman who loved, honored, and cherished him. I won't be the woman who he wakes up to anymore or the one he comes home to. I won't be the one he touches or makes love to anymore. I won't be the one he laughs with at 3-4 a.m. or binge watches television with. I won't be the one holding his hand or holding on to his arm as he walks down a street or somewhere. I won't be the one buying him little tokens of affection anymore or spending holidays with him. I won't be the woman he stood in front of our families and pledged his vows to anymore. God, how I wish this had never happened. I wish so many things. I wanted both of us to be happy. I thought we were getting there. I just didn't have a clue how really far we were from that goal.
I am not seeking pity or someone to pay attention to me. I'm just sharing my experience. Maybe someone won't make the same mistakes I did. If they have, maybe they won't feel as alone as I do.
Once upon a time, we were a family. We were far from perfect and far from being without our problems, but we were a family. We had good times that were filled with laughter and love, and we had bad times when our tempers clashed and communication failed. We were a family regardless until he left. Now we're just pieces on life's chessboard getting ready to go back into the box to be shelved and never played with again. Why couldn't it have worked? Why couldn't we have tried harder? Why...why.....why. I'll always love him. I'm still in love with him, even now even through all the hard and cruel things we've said to each other since all this started. I think about what could have been-maybe it would have still ended this way or maybe just maybe it could have worked and been better. I'll never know so one day I hope to stop thinking so much.
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