In a little over thirty days, my marriage will officially by law be over. I'm sitting here thinking and sifting through memories and trying to find answers. In the beginning, we were so happy; I was so happy. The whole world was wide open and we had it all planned out. However, we became parents before we learned to live with one another back then. It was also at that time when the beautiful little bundle of joy came into my life that this invisible shadow cloaked itself on me. I became fretful over everything but I wrote it off as I was a new mom and we lived next door to a nutcase. Every day I felt a little more defeated yet I would try to slap on a smile and shake it off. At moments and short lengths of time, it would feel as if it would go but it always came back. I tried to throw myself into different things but days became weeks and weeks became months. Those months became years. I would wake up every day hoping that I would feel different but I didn't. It wasn'

     My soon to be ex-husband, God that sounds so foreign yet familiar because it's the one thing I feared when I was in my 20s, called me today to let me know he's finally printed off the pages that is going to end our 21 year marriage. I had a job interview today but all I could think about were the words he said over the phone. I've felt like I got this great big brick lodged between my chest and my throat. It's choking me to death and the threads I was hanging on to are getting fewer and fewer. I want to know why and I want to know how everyone else can work through much worse problems than we have/had and make it through? I know you can't make someone feel something they don't feel. I can't make him love me anymore than I can stop myself from loving him, but why is it so easy for him? Why? Didn't he want a family? Didn't he want us to work? Didn't he see everything that I did and how it affected me over 21 years? Why didn't he?