What We Have Here Is A Failure to Communicate




           Since he left, I've had a lot of time to think. Actually, think is all I pretty much do. I went to my first initial counseling session, kind of like a prelim kind of deal. There was a quick overview of getting to know yous and services I will be provided with, then I had to speed through 21 years of my life and the last two weeks. Since he's left, I've tried to respect his space and while hoping that we could reconnect, we've just found ourselves arguing. My emotions are raw and I'm hanging on by threads. I'm trying to be angry because maybe I wouldn't hurt so much if I could just get really angry! I mean, it's working pretty well for him. Everything seems to disgust him about me. The more days that pass that I don't have a job (I've had interviews though) and the more time that we're not communicating, the worse it gets. Perhaps I just need to face the fact that maybe there is nothing to save. What does that say about me though? 

       I never wanted this, I never wanted him to feel the way that he does. One thing my counselor said is that I need to quit blaming myself. I need to stop putting all the responsibility for his happiness on myself. Marriage is a series of highs and lows and many times there are a lot of lows. It's when there are no highs and a breakdown of communication that a relationship fails; when love goes out the door and says "hello" to resentment. One day I hope he sees from the perspective that I am taking of our 21-year long relationship and sees that he had a part in the breakdown of our communication as well. At some point, whether we end up reconciling in some way or he moves on with someone else, he will need to communicate. Back before we even got serious, back in 1993, we talked all the time. Two weeks ago, we laid in bed and laughed at silly things, just like we had always done. I'm still wondering, what happened to change things, to create this feeling of angst, hate, festering regrets, and breakdown of communication. I thought we were like a lot of married couples. Apparently, we weren't. 

"Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me"

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Countdown of My Broken Marriage Clock has Begun

     I have had so many thoughts. It's like I've been trying to hold a speeding train. I've dug in my heels and I've tried to hold on but it's useless. So here I am walking down the tracks looking at all the pieces. Every course word, every snip, all the accusations, all the times I took him for granted, the times when I lied about money (I bounced our checking account over food) because I was afraid, the times when the house wasn't clean, and all the selfish moments  all are there lying in front of me and in the coldness of his gaze.     He doesn't want to talk. This time, he's got one foot out the door and the other isn't too far behind. I want to fight, but how do  you  fight for something, when the other person just doesn't love you anymore? How do you make them see that your both worth fighting for, that the family you've shared for over twenty years is worth it, and a little 12 year old little boy is worth it
Read more

The Abyss That Stares Back

    In a little over thirty days, my marriage will officially by law be over. I'm sitting here thinking and sifting through memories and trying to find answers. In the beginning, we were so happy; I was so happy. The whole world was wide open and we had it all planned out. However, we became parents before we learned to live with one another back then. It was also at that time when the beautiful little bundle of joy came into my life that this invisible shadow cloaked itself on me. I became fretful over everything but I wrote it off as I was a new mom and we lived next door to a nutcase. Every day I felt a little more defeated yet I would try to slap on a smile and shake it off. At moments and short lengths of time, it would feel as if it would go but it always came back. I tried to throw myself into different things but days became weeks and weeks became months. Those months became years. I would wake up every day hoping that I would feel different but I didn't. It wasn'
Read more

The Countdown Has Started and Major Tom is No Where To Be Found

Image
     My soon to be ex-husband, God that sounds so foreign yet familiar because it's the one thing I feared when I was in my 20s, called me today to let me know he's finally printed off the pages that is going to end our 21 year marriage. I had a job interview today but all I could think about were the words he said over the phone. I've felt like I got this great big brick lodged between my chest and my throat. It's choking me to death and the threads I was hanging on to are getting fewer and fewer. I want to know why and I want to know how everyone else can work through much worse problems than we have/had and make it through? I know you can't make someone feel something they don't feel. I can't make him love me anymore than I can stop myself from loving him, but why is it so easy for him? Why? Didn't he want a family? Didn't he want us to work? Didn't he see everything that I did and how it affected me over 21 years? Why didn't he?      
Read more