Today Anger Has Reared It's Head



Today, I'm angry. I'm angry that we still cannot communicate. I hate that everything I say is misconstrued or I have some past infraction thrown in my face when I don't throw any in his face. I'm angry that my son since all this started never got a phone call and I have been the only one picking up the pieces of his broken heart. I am angry that my boy who looked forward to summer for months, is now acting out because he's hurt, angry, and confused. I'm angry that my husband gets to just walk out and break our home because of something he's either feeling or not feeling when none of the rest of us get that card. 

I couldn't be that heartless or callous as to break up my home because I'm not happy about something, and there have been times when I felt unhappy but I sucked it up and worked through it. I found happiness in other ways such as taking better care of my home and taking more active roles in my children's lives, and even my husband's. 

Do I want my husband here just to pacify our son? No. I want him here because he wants to be here; because he loves and believes in our family. Neither of us wanted our kids to go through what we did. We didn't want step-parents and what not to have to come into our lives. I had a great step-dad but still, I didn't get married to have someone just give up because of money and communication issues. 

Yes, I am angry. I feel like I want to scream and punch something until it hurts just as bad as I do. I want to grab hold of my husband and reach into his head and rip out all this gunk that has made him feel like we don't have a life anymore. 

I am so angry and hurt today that I feel like I'm choking with it. I'm mad at him, at me, and the cosmos. I'm mad that if I were in his shoes, that I would do everything before I took such a final and devastating step. If it were me, it wouldn't matter how many times we'd made petty ultimatums and promises we couldn't keep, I would invest in a professional before I ripped my home and the lives of our little family apart; I would have done anything and everything before I would change my child's life this way. 

He said today, "It's not about you anymore, Nikki." No, he's right about that. It's not about me; it's all about him and his needs. I don't get to have a mid-life crisis. I don't get to say, "Well this is too hard on me so I'm going to bounce so I can have an 'Eat, Pray, Love' moment." I don't get that advantage because it would screw my child's head up. 

I wonder if he even thinks about what it would be like if I did though? Does he think about how it would change his life to have to be arranged and re-arranged? To have to do all the stuff I have done and will still have to do? Switching shifts, finding childcare, going to doctor appointments, having to deal with a pubescent child's high's and low's especially that of an ADHD child? Having to be a surrogate mother when the son is not with me? Having to clean up the sick, fix the meals, work through therapy, work with school therapists, still make time to be a presence in a child's life because kids can't be left on their own; they need guidance, and how to hold your temper when your nerves are fried at 2 a.m.? Can't be a disciplinarian all the time. You'll damage a kid like that, but my husband doesn't think about all that. Going to work every day er night is EASY. Raising children, especially ADHD kids and trying to keep a family together, now that is WORK. 

So today, I've added anger to the grief. 





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