The Crash; When It All Fell Apart
Twenty-one years ago I married my high school sweetheart. He was everything I wanted, and I believe we were both in love but we were young. We had all these plans of being the cool couple at college, but a week after we were married, I got pregnant with the first of two children. I know I am to blame for the bulk of our marital woes. I haven't worked; just little jobs here and there, I wasn't the best at keeping the house (no I wasn't filthy or trashy), and I am not good at money. I never thought though, that after 21 years of marriage, two kids, and a house we owe nothing on, that it would end like this.
In between trying to be a mother and stay active in our children's school and things plus take care of an ailing grandmother, I had to put a lot of things I probably should not have on the back burner. He's had to shoulder the responsibility of our family on his own shoulders for 21 years. I understand his resentment. I understand his stress. I have aspirations. I have dreams and goals, but now it's a little too late, I guess. I hope not but that's what it feels like. Twenty-four hours ago, the world once again fell and crashed when my husband told me he wants out of our marriage; he's leaving and no longer loves me. I don't understand that because I have loved him for twenty-one years. Other people have had worse conflicts but they still are together and are still married into old age.
It would be easy if it was infidelity or if he beat me. Heartache or not, I would have left. I don't just love him because he is the provider; I love him because he's the only man who has touched my soul and heart. I love him because when he smiles or laughs it lights my world up. I love the way his hands hold mine and I feel safe and protected. I love the conversations, the endless late nights we'd laid in bed laughing over stupid things like we did a week ago, and the intellectual part of him. I love the entire man not just what the man can earn or do for me. I love him without conditions or strings. He just doesn't love me that way. Why? Am I so bad of a person?
I have interviews this week and I'm going to hope I get a job. I want to fight for our marriage because I believe it is worth fighting for, but I am not so sure that my fight will be enough and if it isn't, how am I going to get through it? I can't afford the bills that this House has, and it does have a lot. The only chance I had/have a job that would support this house and provide some savings would be a job I would with a college education. So my son and I will have to close this house up and either sell it or rent it out, but we will have to find a smaller place to live. I really don't want to live here with all the sorrow in these walls. My grandfather died here, my grandmother was lonely and miserable here, and my family and marriage fell apart here. My husband doesn't understand that, but that's the fact all the same. I don't want to live in a city where I'm going to see him happily finding a happily ever after with someone who isn't me. He says he isn't looking for that, but he won't stay single long. He's too social. I won't alienate or keep his child from him, but I shouldn't have to live where I'm not happy. I mean, he gets to choose his happiness by leaving, so why can't I? Is that selfish? is that wrong?
I don't want a divorce. I don't want my home to break. I want to show him that I can be an asset and that I am worthy of his love and our family; our home is worth fighting for. My heart is shattered, and I can't go long periods of time without grieving, but I'm going to still fight! To quote a popular song, "'Cause I got issues
But you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me
And I'll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
'Cause we got the kind of love
It takes to solve 'em...
Now, I just have to prove to him, that we can have that kind of love.
If you're reading this, and you've been through this-please comment or send me an email at nikkitrueblue@hotmail.com. If you pray, meditate, or believe in positive energy-please send some my way. Thank you.
In between trying to be a mother and stay active in our children's school and things plus take care of an ailing grandmother, I had to put a lot of things I probably should not have on the back burner. He's had to shoulder the responsibility of our family on his own shoulders for 21 years. I understand his resentment. I understand his stress. I have aspirations. I have dreams and goals, but now it's a little too late, I guess. I hope not but that's what it feels like. Twenty-four hours ago, the world once again fell and crashed when my husband told me he wants out of our marriage; he's leaving and no longer loves me. I don't understand that because I have loved him for twenty-one years. Other people have had worse conflicts but they still are together and are still married into old age.
It would be easy if it was infidelity or if he beat me. Heartache or not, I would have left. I don't just love him because he is the provider; I love him because he's the only man who has touched my soul and heart. I love him because when he smiles or laughs it lights my world up. I love the way his hands hold mine and I feel safe and protected. I love the conversations, the endless late nights we'd laid in bed laughing over stupid things like we did a week ago, and the intellectual part of him. I love the entire man not just what the man can earn or do for me. I love him without conditions or strings. He just doesn't love me that way. Why? Am I so bad of a person?
I have interviews this week and I'm going to hope I get a job. I want to fight for our marriage because I believe it is worth fighting for, but I am not so sure that my fight will be enough and if it isn't, how am I going to get through it? I can't afford the bills that this House has, and it does have a lot. The only chance I had/have a job that would support this house and provide some savings would be a job I would with a college education. So my son and I will have to close this house up and either sell it or rent it out, but we will have to find a smaller place to live. I really don't want to live here with all the sorrow in these walls. My grandfather died here, my grandmother was lonely and miserable here, and my family and marriage fell apart here. My husband doesn't understand that, but that's the fact all the same. I don't want to live in a city where I'm going to see him happily finding a happily ever after with someone who isn't me. He says he isn't looking for that, but he won't stay single long. He's too social. I won't alienate or keep his child from him, but I shouldn't have to live where I'm not happy. I mean, he gets to choose his happiness by leaving, so why can't I? Is that selfish? is that wrong?
I don't want a divorce. I don't want my home to break. I want to show him that I can be an asset and that I am worthy of his love and our family; our home is worth fighting for. My heart is shattered, and I can't go long periods of time without grieving, but I'm going to still fight! To quote a popular song, "'Cause I got issues
But you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me
And I'll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
'Cause we got the kind of love
It takes to solve 'em...
Now, I just have to prove to him, that we can have that kind of love.
If you're reading this, and you've been through this-please comment or send me an email at nikkitrueblue@hotmail.com. If you pray, meditate, or believe in positive energy-please send some my way. Thank you.
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