The Long and Winding Road to Being "Okay"

  The past seven days have been the hardest and worst in my life. I thought the hardest thing I would ever deal with was the deaths of both my grandparents, my grandmother being the hardest to face, but this has trumped that, well next to when my son laid for 6 days in a near coma state at Riley.

I've laid all my cards out. I've begged, cried, prayed, and tried to find some way to convince him to stay, and now I have to stop. It doesn't mean I give up. It doesn't mean that I agree with his decision. It doesn't mean that I have lost hope for a reconciliation. It just means that I have to face this and find a way for me and my son to be happy with the situation, and I want my husband to be happy too. We still have to be parents to our son and misery isn't going to help anyone, least of all our boy. I still am going to need counseling for this. There is no way I'm going to be able to get through what is to come if I don't have someone to help me through it all to help wade through all of this.

  Financial woes were not the total sum of our problems. I was not the total sum of our problems, but I need to figure out who I am and be the granddaughter that my grandpa raised. I need to know how to find that inner strength and what it was that made me "me" to begin with; the "me" I should have been all these years. I got so wrapped up in so many things-many of them were worthy things like being a mother, but I forgot myself in many other things. I put things ahead of my husband and I was hurtful. He was hurtful too and maybe our lack of communication and things that come with being married too young. I don't know. I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to be this person that he was going to grow to resent and fall out of love with. I cannot blame him for everything, but I can't go on blaming myself for everything either. So now I just need to figure out who I am and find a better way to live for myself, my children, and maybe for him too. We were friends before we became lovers, and somewhere we lost that.

      It's going to be hard. They say time heals all wounds. I don't know what tomorrow let alone the future is going to hold but I'm going to hold on to the hope that I'm going to make it through and perhaps me and him will be better people because of it. Maybe this really is for the best. I don't believe that now, but one day I'll see it. Who knows, maybe our hearts will find their way back. If they don't, maybe we can become the friends we were once before. I'll always love him. I'll always wonder "what could have been", but I have to focus on what can be.

    Thank you dear readers for following along and for the supporting comments.

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