The Countdown of My Broken Marriage Clock has Begun

     I have had so many thoughts. It's like I've been trying to hold

a speeding train. I've dug in my heels and I've tried to hold on but

it's useless. So here I am walking down the tracks looking at all the

pieces. Every course word, every snip, all the accusations, all the

times I took him for granted, the times when I lied about money

(I bounced our checking account over food) because I was afraid,

the times when the house wasn't clean, and all the selfish moments

 all are there lying in front of me and in the coldness of his gaze.

    He doesn't want to talk. This time, he's got one foot out the door

and the other isn't too far behind. I want to fight, but how do  you

 fight for something, when the other person just doesn't love you

anymore? How do you make them see that your both worth fighting

for, that the family you've shared for over twenty years is worth it,

and a little 12 year old little boy is worth it? How?


     In a half hour, I'm going on my first interview in over a year. I'm

so scared. What if I get the job and I still can't pay the bills for me

and my son? I can only work so many hours because he has to be

taken care of. His life can't be asked to come to a halt because mine

is. He still needs me to be active in his school, to take him to his

soccer, and to be here at some point so he doesn't feel like he's all

alone.  All he's ever known is me being with him. My husband will

be here during mornings, sure and on every other weekend, he'll be

available, but what about the afternoons and evenings? My son

does not do well with change, but that's not a reason for my

husband to stay. I can't ask him to stay because of our child. I wish

that he'd want to stay for the both of us, but that's not going to

happen.



      These are the things I accept:

• My husband is not in love with me and has not been in love with me for some time
• I am going to have to be the support system for our son, which may come with sacrifices.
• I have got to stop begging. He has already told me that he is emotionless to it. 
• I have helped do this to my marriage, so I can't put all the blame on him. 
• I can't put all the blame on me either.
• At some point, I'm going to have to learn to "let go".

       "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it was meant to be. If it doesn't then it was

never  yours to begin with." That's the hard part, letting go. 

       I still am hoping that some how we can get through this hurricane, but I have to force myself 

to be realistic. He says this didn't happen over night, that it has been going on for some time. He's 

been shouldering it all and keeping it to himself. I guess if I was going to be mad at him for some-

thing, that would be it. When we first moved here, I wish he'd just shared with me when it was all 

starting to really hit then maybe we wouldn't be here where we are now. However, my husband has 

never been one to talk, coddle, or be really sensitive. I really did believe we'd make it. I thought 

that there was nothing we couldn't work through, but problems built up and kept building and I was 

oblivious to it. I hate myself for that and so much more. My happiness was at the expense of his and 

that's not how it should have been. I can barely see the train in the distance but I'm still putting 

one foot in front of the other, slowly but I'm going.